This Year You Take Care of YOU

Throughout the internet you can read the stories of women who recently got divorced and are looking for a new relationship, but all too often the situation gets shaky.

Women find they have unmatched expectations, receive hot and cold signals, and negotiate unclear boundaries with their new partners. Does this sound like you? If so, then join me in writing a new year's resolution you can keep: Define your expectations and needs.

What is a serious relationship?

Modern dating culture calls a relationship serious when both people decide to "make it exclusive," meaning no romantic entanglements outside of this exclusive, serious relationship. Yet, even there not everyone agrees. Some say that a relationship is only serious when you start talking about marriage. Others point out that a relationship becomes serious once you "move in."

I don't have to say anything about that. You can read hundreds of stories of women who decide to follow their gut, or maybe are even pressured, to move in with their boyfriend only to discover that they are being used for sex.

The emotional maturity of the couple doesn't get talked about much. Can a relationship be serious when the man isn't taking your needs seriously?

You deserve better. You know you deserve better.

How do you get a relationship that actually benefits you, where you are actually respected, where you are healthy and safe?

Spend Time With Yourself

You need to spend time with yourself and put down on paper all of the memories, thoughts, and concerns you have with life and relationships. A pattern might jump out at you. You may have fallen for aloof men, who didn't try to please you but instead used you to feed their egos. Or you might have a history of having difficulty stating your needs in a relationship. Whatever it is, now is your chance to face it.

Once you figure out what you need, you should pay attention to how other people interact with you. Do they ask for your opinion or talk over you? Do they make assumptions about what you want or do they ask? This applies to girlfriends and guy friends too, not just dates. Maybe you need to be more vocal. Or maybe your challenge is thinking about the feelings of others before you saying something that makes the room sour.

What are you most scared of, being alone, being taken advantage of, being left on the side of the road after you have nothing left to give?

Writing down those uncomfortable thoughts and working through them will help you clarify your needs and expectations. You can also talk to your pet if you're alone, but do write down your aha thoughts!)

Now you're ready to date more intentionally.

Back to Dating

With your new intentionality, you will be saying "goodbye" to more men sooner and that may be hard, but I promise you by eliminating the bad ones more quickly, you are giving the good ones more opportunity to find you. It's so much easier to date based on non-negotiables and you will get more respect from others when you give yourself that respect.

You can't force anyone to meet your expectations or even understand your expectations, but you can better understand, clarify, and communicate your expectations. If you do that this year, you will have taken care of yourself.

Repeat after me, "this year I will define my expectations"

Do you think you can keep that resolution?

I'll cover more about expectations, signals, and boundaries in future posts. Till then! - Grace